Living in Fear
My story is a testimony of God’s goodness. Not because of anything that I have done, but all through what God has done. My story is full of brokenness, hurt, sadness, joy, praise, and growth. There is one thing that has ruled my mind, heart, and soul for significantly too much of my life. This one thing is fear.
When I look back, I remember the way I viewed myself as a young person. I knew that God loved me. I knew that Jesus died for my sins. But I did not live like I knew that. I could not wrap my mind around the fact that God loved me no matter what I did and I could do absolutely nothing to earn that. I lived in constant fear that I was not enough. By that, what I really meant is that I was afraid I was not doing enough. I would pray and pray that I would just “have a better relationship with God”. What does that mean?When would it ever be good enough?
The piece that I lacked was what a real relationship with God looked like. He wanted a relationship with me and all I had to do was trust Him with all of myself. While I fought to prove that I loved God in most of my visible actions, I secretly fought the battle of lust and sexual sin from a young age. If only people knew, then they would see why I was not enough. At least, that was what I told myself. If only God knew, He’d know I was not enough. But that was the thing. He already knew. He sees me in my darkest moments and chooses me even then.
My identity was shattered almost daily. I tried to find my identity in what I did. I tried to find my identity in how I loved others. I tried to find my identity in the way I impacted others. I tried to find my identity in how many answers I knew. I tried to find my identity in what I looked like. I tried to find my identity in what my friends thought of me. I tried to find my identity in all of the things of this world. Somehow, it all failed me. Somehow, fear still ruled my mind.
Unfortunately, throughout all of this, some of the people who were supposed to be my biggest advocates and encourage me through all of this, also had many things they were going through themselves. There was a lot of bitterness and hurt happening in the relationships within my family. I often felt responsible to maintain peace in relationships in my family. Our home growing up had always been a place of stress, tension, and hurt for me. I wished my family would be whole and would be a place of joy. I wished people could see truth and live in light of God’s love. I took all of that weight upon my shoulders. As I watched all these relationships around me fall apart, I could not help but fear my own future.
These experiences took root in my mind and Satan worked to secure my life as a battleground where he fought for the lies. I started to believe those lies. I would say I got to a point where I was mainly listening to the voice of the world. I got into a pretty unhealthy relationship where I made a lot of compromises about where my values were and who I was dating. This relationship became a toxic cycle. While there were a lot of ways my boundaries were being crossed, there were a lot of ways I was choosing sexual sin. And I was lying to everyone around me about both of these.
I saw the true reality of addiction, temptation, and the power of Satan in our minds. I was at a place where I was trying to make a lot of heavy decisions on my own without being vulnerable to those around me who cared about me the most. I was living in a place of selfishness and focusing on worldly pleasure. I was so focused on my own desires that I was willing to sacrifice everything else. I was sacrificing other relationships, my priorities, my relationship with God, and my respect for myself. While there were many ways I was not being valued, loved, or respected in this relationship, the most heartbreaking moment was when he sexually assaulted me. This affected my view of intimacy, myself, and relationships. Satan used this to speak many lies over me about who I was and who God was. I was bound by fear for a long time. Satan tried to tell me that because this happened to me I was unworthy. Satan tried to tell me it was partially my fault that this happened to me. These are lies that I held onto for a long time. It was a long journey of recognizing those lies and processing all of this with Jesus. Eventually, I was able to recognize that any sin done to me did not define me. God replaced my fear with truth and hope.
Throughout all of these broken experiences, God was there. When I tried to numb myself to the Holy Spirit, God was there. When I sat at the feet of the cross knowing I couldn’t do it on my own, God was there. He faithfully loves me in my best and worst moments. Now, I truly know that to be true. He created me intentionally and with a purpose. I am His masterpiece. My testimony paints the story of His unconditional love.
The common thread is the futility of trying to find something in an earthly relationship that is only ever intended to be found in God. While I am going to share how God has redeemed my story, I want to remind you that as long as I am still on earth, I will continue to struggle to choose Jesus every day. I will continue to battle the lies in my mind. I will keep learning how to love more like Jesus. I will keep learning how to find my identity and purpose in Him alone.
My value comes from the fact that God created me with purpose. My hope and identity is not found in my earthly family but in God’s family. I am inherently valuable before anything I have ever done. While I can choose to stay in a place of meaningless striving, God declared my value from the beginning of time.
God is the only person that will ever truly satisfy my every need.The people of this earth will fail me and I will fail them. The people I love most will continue to make mistakes. God is faithful and will provide everything I need. I cannot put expectations I should only have for God on people. In the most God-honoring relationship, I still cannot find my identity and purpose in them or what I can do for them.
I will continue to make mistakes and keep growing every single day. I will continue to sin against God and people I love. However, I can keep fighting to choose His way every day. I can choose to live in authentic vulnerability of the ways I am falling short. I can give all of my desires to Him.
I can choose to trust God with my pain and that He will restore me in His timing. I do not have to live in fear because God is with me. I can trust God with my heart and all of my worry. He is faithful to restore and heal in His timing.
God loves the people I love way more than I can even fathom. I can trust God with each of their hearts. He loves them so much more than I ever can.
By believing I am worthless, I am diminishing Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Jesus died on the cross for my sins. He looked at me and said that I am worth it. Who am I to look at myself and say that I am not worthy? I am worthy not because of anything that I have done but because of what He has done.
By taking the burden of others’ hurt onto myself, I am trying to take God’s place in their life.While it may feel like I am being selfless by doing this, I am trying to take a burden that only God is intended to bear. They cannot find their identity and value in me - only in God.
My journey is not over but God is teaching me more and more everyday. He’s transforming my mind. He has restored my view of relationships. He has given me forgiveness for those who have hurt me. He has given me opportunities to share His goodness through my story. In 1 John 4:18, it says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” Because of God’s love, we can be free from fear. Because of His love, we can know our identity is rooted in Him alone.
Caiah Smith has been here at College Wesleyan for almost two years and has fully committed to life and serving here! She is passionate about welcoming people into her home, enjoying God’s creation, and trying new recipes. She works at Carey Services and is a cross country coach at a local middle school. She is recently engaged to Noah and is looking forward to this new season of life.